Randomly Accurate

A mere mortal

2010-02-27T07:25:00.000-08:00

                          A wide half-volley,and a jab beyond point---all it takes to shake God out of his coveted position.A hundred messages,a thousand status-updates,and a million excited voices later,you realise if there is anything bigger than God in India,its the cherubic 5'5 maharashtrian guy.I wonder if God is pissed of right now.And I intend to piss him off even more.
                         Sachin is not God.God has this aura around him that makes him invincible.Mortals don't possess such invincible armour.Sachin is quite your average human.The problems that have penetrated his aura are innumerable and have always seemed insurmountable.Injuries,fitness concerns,questions on his waning passion,and the now cliched burden of expectations.Its not as if Sachin has never failed.2003 finals,entire 2007 campaign,the captaincy stint still remain stubborn dark spots on an otherwise purple career patch.Sachin has tasted defeat in the form of his own blood.Unfortunately,God,you don't have that on your resume.
                         It takes more of a man to triumph after a defeat than to jump from one victory to another.You appreciate a booming drive even more when you have been bowled thorough bat and pad.A Sachin without failures would have been a machine.Neither God,nor human...a machine.Machines don't thank their fathers in heaven,machines don't punch the air on a landmark,machines don't care for their fans.Mr. Tendulkar does.Every time.
                         The next time he comes out to bat,it wont be guaranteed that he'll score a double hundred,hundred or even a fifty.But i will still watch and pray for an encore of 200*.Coz for me,he will always be one-up to any mechanical instrument or a religious myth ever.Take a bow,Sachin-the-mortal,take a bow.

Hum Angrezi?

2010-01-31T00:15:00.000-08:00

I had been to a restaurant with my family some days ago.Not anything extravagant,just your average run of the mill affair,okay-ish food,normal decor,ordinary customers.All in all,nothing to suggest any 'foreign hand' in the proceeding.Then out of nowhere came this waiter,looked at me and said"Suh,would chyou like any chea or khophhe?"
"Huh?"
"Chea or khophhe,sir?"
"Kya bola tum?"I resorted to bambayya hindi,my knight in shinning armour against strange tongues.
"Chai mangta hai ya coffee?",with a sneer he just couldnt hide.
Yes,this sounded familiar.
I looked at his name tag."There stands Balasubramaniam,asking me questions in his strange British accent"I thought."Wait a minute,moron.His name is Balasubramaniam,he is supposed to ask questions in funny south-Indian accents,not thick British ones"

Epiphanies strike at odd moments.

It dawned upon me that 'the English',or more importantly,'English',had never left India.All these years of dilly-dallying about freedom from England were pretentious assumptions.We are still governed by the English,still under the divide-rule policy.There's some difference though,its the "the" part of "the English" that disappears,leaving just "English" to rule Indians.Haves and Have-nots have been replaced by Know-its and Know-it-nots.Sophistication today implies Anglicization,and sometimes even accentuation.

There was a subject named Communication Skills that we had in our 3rd semester(Fr. Agnel sucks...its not related to the topic at all,but i like to tell this to people,it gives me spiritual bliss)There mere fact that we had discussions,debates and conferences only in English stands testimony to the snobbish language's hold over the social psyche.I can understand if a tamil guy speaks to a marathi guy in English,but what the heck is with two Patils(arguably the most widespread marathi surname) using using "Yo! Wassup mahn?" when they greet each other?

Its this widespread opinion that people who use it stand at the top of the pecking order.Whilst this might be true in most of the cases,its in no way an indication to stop using our own languages for conversation.Supriya Pathak talking to Ranbir Kapoor in broken english in 'Wake up Sid' accurately sums up the whole dilemma of poor regionals.When a mother uses some other language than her own tongue to communicate with her son,i guess its time to start preparing a coffin for hindi,punjabi,tamil gujarati and a host of other languages dying under the imperial language's assault.

The last nails come in the form of people now being embarrassed to use their mother tongues for normal conversations.English speaking classes and all have sprung up,portraying non-speakers are legendary losers.We have taken English from being just a language to a very high pedestal where it defines social segregation.

I guess when the English left India,the left behind a huge sense of inferiority complex as well.

Last but not least?

2009-12-30T06:07:00.000-08:00

You are an unimaginative pea-brained idiot.
You are a pea-brained idiot.
You are an idiot.

If you are thinking that this is an astonishing break from ordinary,that this is an example where the last,is indeed the least,please read ahead.

I would hereby like to make a declaration,I have declared a spite campaign against all people who pepper their speeches every now and then with this done-to-death cliche.
I mean,jeez guys,really,this phrase must have lost its charm the second it came out of the lips of the original guy who said it.To him it must have been one of those things that sound super-witty in your head,but when u blurt them out,are just as lame as a man who's lost both his legs in a freak alligator attack.

Yes,we get it,you love to vocalise truisms.You have absolutely no sense of wit.For you each and every statement has to be decorated with borrowed intelligence.From now on,whenever you talk,we are going to assume that you eternally talk like one of those count-down shows where the FIRST,is the least,and the last is definitely,absoultely and excruciatingly,not the least.Thank you.

Amongst others who would also like to thank you is the kid who,when asked the antonym of 'first',said 'last but not the least'(having being a victim of many such painful speeches),naturally scored the lowest in class and when asked about his position by his parents,answered the same 'last but not the least" to get a nice whipping for being over smart.And he still doesn't know why his answer was wrong.Thank you.Idiots.

For those of u gay enough to appreciate poetry

2009-12-18T09:50:00.001-08:00

www.sohamsverses.blogspot.com

2009-09-28T05:11:00.000-07:00

A lot of people have cribbed about the present education system...and yours truly has some constructive criticism (now that's just an onomatopoeic euphemism for cribbing, I know) to add as well.The education system has taught me a lot of things.

First of all,it has taught me the difference between a teacher and a lecturer.A teacher teaches(before you think that i am wasting your time fooling around with obvious nouns and verbs,let me clarify)."Teaching",for me,doesnt mean making me attend a lecture(which invariably is oh-so-boring-its-makes-me-wanna-kill-someone)quietly with a sword of attendance hanging over my head.A teacher is someone who makes me want to listen to him.Sadly, take any teacher in my college-he just makes me listen to him.This is where a person stops being a teacher,and becomes a lecturer...and sadly,again.....i now realize ppl in my college never were teachers,they were lecturers from all along.A lecturer lectures,and tracing the etymological roots of the word "lecture",its quite a detested word mainly coz its an unneeded dialogue delivered to an uninterested person by an uncompetent(i kno its wrong,i was just trying to complete the u-sequence : P) authority.

Secondly,it has taught me the virtues of plagiarizing...ppl like anu malik and pritam swear by it and now,so do most of the million-odd ppl who have passed through this farcical system.Ive always wondered about the origin of assignments....they almost magically appear out of somwhere from one of those dreaded front benches...where monsters with "superhuman thirst for knowledge"(remeber Ross,and his comic book Science-boy?ahh those magical sitcoms)as their power sit,and devour hundreds and hundreds of books....and crap out crappy assignments(getting too literal,is it?)...and in a lecture or two.....almost the entire class has a copy each.

Haute Cynic-outure

2009-09-19T23:14:00.000-07:00

And suddenly cynicism is fashionable!
We now have people from Barack"Kayne-West-is-a-jackass" Obama to Karan"im-so-girly-i-doubt-i'll-ever-grow-a-beard" Johar beating their drums about being cynics...and the general public will undoubtedly follow suit...though i wont be surpised if more people will follow Karan's lead than Obama's...coz oddly for the public,men with bits of feminne streaks often find themselves as social icons...take beckham or michael jackson(my granny still doesnt know his gender)...anyways,reverting back...its this spotlight on cynicism that bothers me,after all, not everyone can carry it off.A cynic is a person who lives on a different plane of existence...he looks down upon all ordinary mortals with a nonchalant disdain thats even greater than what mr. Tharoor shows for the 'cattle class'(cant help it! i just had to include this farcical event in my blog...otherwise i wouldnt be considered amongst the fashionably knowledgeable bloggers of yore)...cynics have this air of knowing things around them...the fallacies of governments,the shortcomings of the systems,why things wont work practically when they work like a dream on paper...its this feeling of 'seen-it-all-done-it-better-than-you' that a cynic shares with his brethren which attracts the ordinary mortals towards him....however for being an actual cynic...one needs to have those required personality traits...a religious belief in Murphy's laws,the ability to come up with stormclouds on the sunniest days imaginable,the ability to fret over things that are proven to be failure-proof....the charm of a cynic lies in his pessimist aura....and it needs to be strengthened witha huge scowl which scares the daylights out of the darn optimism

Pretence without substance

2009-09-12T22:36:00.000-07:00

My college amuses me...no,not in the good kind of way where you are amused by the stand-up comedian's sarcastic joke...the other way around.....when the stand up guy cracks a really intelligent joke and none of the audience gets it...and the comedian laughs at the audience in his mind.
Fr. Agnel,they say,is a good college....and I've always cursed the 'they' in this sentence...if maintaining stupid discipline and making the students feels like they're in kindergarten is what a 'good' college does....well,it definitely excels in leaps and bounds in this department

2009-08-29T23:24:00.000-07:00

"I dont believe in mathematics"-Albert Einstein
Well said,mate,well said.
Neither do I....but for me, belief in mathematics takes a far more fundamental turn....the kind of where you debate the existence of God and Satan....but then ofcourse,these debates are based on the premise that these highly elusive guys dont show themselves,theres no proof of their existence....math,on the other hand has constantly tried(and succeeded,mind you!) to make its presence felt by being a thorn in my flesh since the past 15 years....my first tryst with the universally-hated subject(dont deny it,you hate maths as much as i do,u just put on a facade of liking it because you score well in it),came in kindergarten...i dont remember the setting well, some dull memories of a bespectacled teacher asking me to do an addition for her.....thats it....wait...i also remember a loud noise...the sound of glass hitting floor.....and my teacher later complaining to my mum about someone slapping her.....weird subjects make weird teachers,I tell you!
Its been a long arduous journey for me....15 years of maths...always trying to make some sense out of numbers...the way they combine,multiply and decrease....swirling about in hazy circles in my head...equations trying to outfox me....integral signs appearing and disappearing out of statements as if doing the devils own bidding.....derivations more complex than the almighty theory of relativity itself...maths has just about managed to rouse me up from dreamy slumber all sweaty and utterly paranoid about some famous mathematician's unsatisfied soul murdering me for scoring a measly 2/10 in the calculus test.....my hatred for maths is perhaps overshadowed only by my love for language....i used to like the sciences as well,but that was in sweet history when science textbooks consisted of paragraphs.....statements of pure logic unsupported by the crutches of lowly numbers....i prefer words,not numbers......coz as they say....numbers(or stats,whatever you want) never tell the complete story...u need words for it

2009-08-16T03:40:00.000-07:00

ahh.......my first blog........the fleeting feeling that someone out there might actually read stuff that i conjure up in my horribly twisted cynical mind....ive always maintained a highly addictive mirage(inspite of horribly conclusive evidence on the contrary)that what i think matters to the world....that someone out there gives a rat's tiny arse about what i think......and ruminates on my thoughts just before going to bed........this blog might actually be an avenue for me to realise my long standing dream of being an author......but readers,beware(this statement is based on the aforementioned mirage that there are actually people who'll give a fortunate rat's tiny arse about reading my blogs).....i am an unlimited supply of cynicism......a treasure-trove of the wicked at heart.......the most u may get out of my blog is some dark humour......if you are looking for something to cheer you up with bright-sunshine-thoughts after a hard day at work......u'll probably be barking up the wrong tree.....adios